Why Britney Spears Is Better Than Cat Power

9/18/12

A few weeks ago, I rightfully convinced you that Bon Jovi are WAAAAAY better than Radiohead. Now I'm back to tell you why Britney “biggest pop star ever” Spears is better than Cat “who are ya?” Power!

So, right now, you probably think Britney Spears is some mass-consumed, insane hillbilly poptart! And you probably also think Cat Power is some tragic, thought-provoking chanteuse that will save the fucking world or something!

Well, enough of the pretension, as I'm here to tell the TRUTH! The truth being: BRITNEY SPEARS IS (AND ALWAYS WILL BE) BETTER THAN CAT POWER! Ahem... Allow me to explain by comparing either artist's “wins.” And guess who scored the most, boitch!

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Britney Spears:

-Britney Spears knows how to get out of a car in STYLE!

-Britney Spears has sold over 100 million records worldwide. Cat Power is lucky if she has sold 1% of that...

-Britney Spears' last tour grossed  $37.1 million. Cat Power is lucky if she has grossed 0.1% of that...

-Britney Spears is an AMAZING dancer. Cat Power moves like my grandmother (after one gin too many).

-Two words...CUP SIZE!

-Britney Spears' name is a trillion times more iconic. Plus we all know there is no such thing as Cat “Power.” Because cats are total pussies, duh!

-This.

-Britney Spears can get more $$$ for her photographs when she sells them on to the paparazzi...yeah, those were her actual photos!

umbrella

-Britney Spears smells better.

perfume

-Britney Spears is more rock and roll. Her first marriage lasted 55 fucking hours [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/3366529.stm] (quicker than Kim K).

-We ALL love to sing “Baby One More Time” at karaoke.

-Every single Britney Spears album has charted at #1, bar Blackout, but give her a break, Brit was f'd up in 2007. As for Cat Power...well she's had just one album scrape the Top 10. Lolz.

-Britney Spears has a more successful acting career than Cat “extra for hire” Power. Seriously, Crossroads was an amazing movie.

-Britney Spears is the best fucking X Factor judge ever, y'all.

Total “wins”: 14

 

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Cat Power:

-Cat Power has a super hero name, but no super powers, well aside from being SUPER HOT. I mean, hello, she DID win our Hottest Indie Babes poll [http://www.bitcandy.com/plogs/plogDedicated/music/whoisthehottestindieba....

-Cat Power has better hair. Wait...Cat Power HAS hair.

shaved

-Cat Power is best bros with Dave Grohl (oh yah, he played on Cat's album, You Are Free).

-Cat Power models for Chanel. Britney Spears models for Candies.

model

-Cat Power cut her teeth in a creddy Atlantan music collective. Britney Spears cut her teeth in The f'in Mickey Mouse Club.

-When Cat Power's pussy is hanging out, she doesn't announce it to the entire audience.

-Cat Power writes her own songs. (Or uh, does she? Everyone in the industry knows that Diane Warren is behind these songs.)

-Cat Power has better taste in bfs.

-Cat Power...can sing.

Total “wins”: 9

-

So there we have it on paper. Well... pixels. With a shitty 9 to 14 “wins,” Cat Power officially SUCKS (or should I say SUCKLES!) in comparison to Britney Spears! So take that, snobby music fan! Disagree? Well you're just gonna have to DEAL WITH IT! Brit-Brit for LIFE!

Deal With It

 

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